Grieving Complicated Relationships: Making Sense of Grief When the Relationship Wasn’t Simple

Grief is often imagined as a wave of sorrow following the death of someone deeply loved and cherished. But for many, the story is more complicated. What happens when the person who died wasn’t someone you had a good relationship with? What if your connection was marked by distance, conflict, estrangement, or even abuse?

These are the kinds of losses that often go unspoken — and the grief they leave behind can feel isolating, confusing, and full of mixed emotions. If you’re navigating grief after estrangement or mourning someone you had conflict with, you’re not alone. And individual therapy for grief might be a valuable place to begin making sense of your experience.

What Is Grief in the Context of a Complicated Relationship?

“Complicated grief” is sometimes used to describe intense or prolonged grief that interferes with daily life. But in this case, we’re talking about grieving difficult relationships — where the loss feels emotionally tangled, not necessarily prolonged or pathological.

You might be grieving someone who:

• Was emotionally unavailable, abusive, or neglectful
• You were estranged from, or had cut contact with
• You had unresolved conflict with at the time of their death
• Held a role in your life (like a parent, sibling, or ex-partner) that others assume was loving, even if it wasn’t
• You loved, but also resented or feared

In these situations, grief and relational trauma often go hand in hand. The result is a mix of emotions: sadness, guilt, relief, numbness, anger. You might feel like you should feel more — or less — than you do. You might ask, What is wrong with me?

Nothing is wrong with you. These responses are entirely valid when you’re navigating unresolved grief and the loss of a complicated connection.

The Emotional Impact of Complicated Grief

Grieving someone with whom you had a painful, strained, or incomplete relationship can bring unique challenges:

• Unresolved questions: “Why didn’t they change?” “Could I have done something differently?”
• Ambiguous emotions: Feeling sadness for what was, and also for what never could be
• Internal conflict: Judging yourself for feeling too much or not enough
• Isolation: Feeling like others wouldn’t understand or that you don’t have the “right” to grieve

Sometimes, you may even feel relief — and then guilt for that relief. This is more common than people talk about. It’s not unusual to feel safer or more free after the death of someone who harmed you. Therapy for grieving someone who hurt you offers a space to name and process that complexity without shame.

How Individual Therapy Can Help

Grief therapy isn’t about forgetting the past — it’s about honoring your full experience and tending to your emotional, psychological, and even physical response to loss.

Here’s how individual therapy for complicated grief can help:

1. A Safe Space for Mixed Emotions

You don’t have to hide your anger or guilt. Therapy allows you to say, “I’m sad and relieved,” or, “I feel numb and that scares me.” A therapist can help you sit with these feelings without judgment, and explore what they mean for you.

2. Telling the Full Truth

Many people grieving complicated relationships minimize the pain or protect the memory of the deceased. Therapy invites you to speak honestly — about the good, the bad, and the confusing parts of the relationship — so healing can happen.

3. Releasing Guilt and ‘Shoulds’

You may feel like your grief is too much, too little, or just not right. Therapy helps you untangle those internalized beliefs and understand that there’s no one “correct” way to grieve — especially not when the relationship was layered with tension or trauma.

4. Supporting the Nervous System

When grief and trauma intersect, your nervous system can feel overwhelmed. If you’re anxious, shut down, or hypervigilant, you’re not broken — you’re activated. A therapist trained in nervous system regulation can help you reconnect with safety and calm.

5. Making Meaning After a Complex Loss

When relationships end without closure or repair, therapy can help you find your own sense of resolution. That might involve grief rituals, narrative therapy, or simply saying the things you never got to say. It’s about grieving what was and what was never going to be.

When Should You Consider Therapy?

Therapy can be helpful for anyone navigating loss — but especially so if:

• You feel stuck or overwhelmed by grief
• You’re wrestling with mixed emotions after loss
• You feel isolated or misunderstood
• You’re experiencing physical symptoms of stress or anxiety
• You’re craving a nonjudgmental space to make sense of it all

Whether your relationship was marked by deep wounds, unfinished conversations, or long-standing distance, therapy can help you grieve with honesty and compassion.

Grief doesn’t follow a script — and neither do relationships. If you’re mourning someone with whom you had a complicated bond, your experience is valid. You don’t need to perform your grief or simplify your story to be worthy of support.

Grieving someone you had a hard relationship with takes courage. And you don’t have to do it alone.

If this post resonates with you and you’re looking for a space to process your grief, I’d love to support you. Book a free consultation to see if individual grief therapy is the right fit for you. Together, we can make room for all the complexity — with compassion, curiosity, and care.

Book a free consultation here.

Here are some questions you might want to ask in a therapy consultation.

Here’s how you can prepare for a consultation.